you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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