Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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