If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I could fuck to npr.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
