I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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