saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
