So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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