what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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