you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize