I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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