Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
two words...techno handjob
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
