remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
