I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
