Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
