I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I need to align my fucking chakras
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
