I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
