Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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