I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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