i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My bed smells like the plague
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
