I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
