Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
