Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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