I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
