i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They are going to name an STD after you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize