The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
