She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
