The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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