Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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