did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
True strength comes from lack of pants
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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