just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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