I'm jealous of your bromance
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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