When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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