she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
