Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
