there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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