it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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