Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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