you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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