While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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