someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
