We won't sleep together?
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
