somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
where are my eyebrows?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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