I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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