A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
