Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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