I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
