Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
