I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My vagina is very pro this idea
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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