he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
