Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize