Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
