Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
