Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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