Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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