dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just googled if crying burns calories
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
