I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Boobs are out for the taking
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
