You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
