ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
