omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
