You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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