oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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