respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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