Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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