True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
