I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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