She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
