If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
