Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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