I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
