dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
