I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
