Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
