I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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